Saturday, February 28, 2015

Furious 7 Movie Review

Furious 7 Review

With the release of the Furious 7 movie only a month away, it is time to break down the movie, look at its potential and examine the reasons why the movie will be a total disaster, but why people will love it regardless. We've all already seen the trailer, which is filled with CGI, incredibly unrealistic fight scenes and over the top action. This isn't Fast and Furious obviously. The only time a car was shown, it was being dropped from a dang plane. Anyway, below you will discover, why the movie will blow.

Jason Statham

Has old boy ever played in a good movie? I mean seriously? As a former fashion model and black market salesman, Statham should've stuck, with his previous racket. If you've seen one Jason Statham movie, you've seen them all. Now, if he'd hook up with Liam Neeson, maybe we'd get something a little more original? Both are stuck in the lame, action movies, because they can't even out act one of the freaks from American Horror Story Freak Show! RIP Meep, but come on!

Vin Diesel

Again, same as above. Even his name reeks of douchebaggery. Without the Fast and Furious series, Diesel would be just that. Pumping diesel fuel into big rigs, at the local 7/11. Once this series is finished, Vin's career will be Fin.

Kurt Russell

How far back into the depths of American cinema do you have to dig? We've already seen Russell pull over the whole car driver role, with Death Proof. The twenty people would liked that Interstate 95 disaster should go ahead and exit life. Face it! Russell hasn't been relevant since 1992, when he was captaining a boat, wearing an eyepatch and preaching, "$hit happens, cough it up".

Iggy Azalea

When you reach so low that you're willing to drag this thing into your production, you know it is going to be a major flop. Iggy looks like a mixture between Michael Jackson and Patricia Arquette. I don't know if they have white trash in Australia, but Iggy would certainly fit the profile.

Ronda Rousey

We've seen from The Expendables 3 that this Fallon Fox wannabe shouldn't be anywhere near a camera. The only people, who think Rousey is talented and sexy, are Joe Rogan, Mike Goldberg and Dana White. Of course, they're getting paid to think so. The only time she doesn't look like a marshmallow in a GI is when she is photoshopped or weight drained. Besides that, she's already developing the simpleton dialect, which is prevalent among mixed martial artists.

Paul Walker

It is difficult to blame Paul Walker for this disaster, since he passed away halfway through filming, RIP, but his portfolio is overloaded with clunkers. We've already saw how well Walker handled a supped up race car. How will the producers get away with this? Sadly, reports confirm the Furious 7 film will not show us any grimy death scenes.

Why will it be successful?

Sadly, this junker will likely be a smashing success at the box office. Why? Americans are overly ignorant and feel the need to praise, memorialize and make Gods of dead celebrities.

Chris Kyle, dead? Check! American Hero? Check!
Michael Jackson? Dead? Check! Hero? Check! Pedophile? Most likely!
Joan Rivers. Hated in life? Check! Hero in death? Check!
Whitney Houston crack head when alive, clean and sober after death.

Get the point? The movie will also be an overwhelming success, because it is basic, simple and downright stupid. Americans are simply unable to comprehend complex storyline and plots, and Furious 7 will have none of that. It is straight up stupid action, with terrible acting and horrible writing, but nobody will care.

1 comment:

  1. It is a fun movie to turn your mind off for a couple hours, sit back and enjoy.