Thursday, February 26, 2015

How to Get Uncle Sam to Pay for Everything

With the economy quickly deteriorating, more Americans are having a much harder time finding work. Those, who do happen to secure a job, simply do not hold it. Why should they really? Uncle Sam is a nice old feller, who is more than willing to pay for your personal needs! Not only that, but he'll also pay for the needs of your family, friends, dogs, cats, and even your pot belly pig. As long as you know how to carry yourself, you can get anything you want for free! Below, you will discover how to get anything and everything you need for free!

Food! Good Fatty Foods!

When living on a provided income, it is fun to splurge. Since you're not paying for anything, why shouldn't you help yourself to the best? Getting Uncle Sam to provide you, with delicious treats, is actually easier than you could ever imagine. In fact, you can now instantly register for stamps, as soon as you file for your income taxes online. The only downfall? You might be required to go into the food stamp office in person. Oh no! Since you're likely cooped up in the house 5 days a week, this can be very humbling and scary.

Don't worry too much though. The meeting will only last a few minutes. Thankfully, the government is very selective in the type of people that they hire. If your IQ is too high, you're instantly rejected. These governmental employees are extremely to manipulate. If worse comes to worst, you can always speak with a lisp and rock back and forth. You'll be out of there, within a few minutes, with a big smile on your face and an EBT card in your hand! Cha Ching!

Gotta Get Me an Obama Phone!

Everyone needs a cell phone nowadays, even if you never leave the home. A cell phone makes you look important and gives you the ability to send letter messages back and forth to other cell phone owners. This has completely replaced the old CB radios. The difference? A cell phone won't cost you a single dime. There really isn't much you need to do to obtain an Obama phone. Nah, just head onto your computer, find the government website and input your information. If you work an average job, or sit at home all day, you're in luck! Text me!

Drugs, Pain Killers and Xanax!

Drugs are super fun and will help you forget about your miserable life. Why shouldn't you stay wired out on Xanax? You've got nowhere to go and nothing to do, why not pop a few? Getting free medications can be slightly more challenging, but you can do it! How does it work? Medicaid! What do you need to do to qualify? Be poor. That's it. Since almost everyone in America is poor, everyone is qualified. The system is even easier to manipulate thanks to the Affordable Care Act. Now, even "middle" class folk can qualify. This means there is a high possibility that everyone you come across on an American street is screwed up on some type of over-the-counter prescription medication.

The Welfare System

Now, the Welfare System. This one is wonderful, because it puts money, which can be used anywhere for anything, directly into your pocket. However, this system is a little more complicated. You're going to need to track down the exact requirements for your specific state. How dare they! Can you believe it? They want you to go through all that work for free money. Sheesh. Anyway, be sure to find out your state's requirements. Most of the requirements come down to your income, but you can always manipulate those pesky little numbers. They don't mind really.

Free Rent!

In America today, nobody needs to be homeless. The government is happy to spend money sheltering their citizens. Of course, you're going to need to find the right sources to get it! If you're poor, old, feeble, sick, lazy, or just dumb, you can get free rent. The biggest problem? You're going to need to be a good tenant. This means you can't throw loud parties and crank the music up really loud throughout the night. If you want your HUD house, you're going to need to behave.

Pretend to Be, Get it for Free: SSI

Getting SSI, or supplemental security income, can be a little tricky, since you have to be old, blind or disabled. What does this mean? You're going to need a bit of practice. If you can show a mental incapacity, you can get a new big screen HD television. This isn't too difficult, since the government only employs those, with similar mental incapacities. Therefore, you should emulate their actions, drool on your shirt and you'll have a monthly check, before you know it!

Doubling the Profits

Of course, there are ways to double your profits and increase the amount Uncle Sam is willing to provide you. One easy way to double your income is by having a kid. If you wish to triple your winnings, you can have a few kids. On the other hand, finding a sick, elderly individual to move into your home is also effective. Although you'll have to put up with their nuisances, you'll be rolling in the money and making more than a working "middle" class American. The working man truly is a fool!

Once you've completed these steps, you will have achieved the ever so elusive American Dream! Congratulation, you are now a statistic.

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