Wednesday, February 25, 2015

How to Join ISIS

In the past few years, there have been many exciting revolutionary groups, which have captured the imaginations of Americans and especially American youths. First, we had the Klu Klux Klan, which paraded the streets dressed like friendly ghosts. Then, we discovered religious sects, such as the FDLS. This groups were extremely loving and accepting of all. Now, we've discover the most friendly and fun group of all, ISIS. Depending on who you ask, ISIS is either a friendly group, or a family friendly group! Yes, ISIS accepts members of all age groups! If you're planning a trip to the Middle East, you should definitely consider booking a member of the group to tour your family throughout the trip. So how can you join the group? You've come to the right place!

Learn the Lingo!

First and foremost, you need to get on good terms, with the Jihadist of the world. Thankfully, they're easily accessible through social media and are always willing to help, but you'll need to know how to speak to them properly. It is best to speak in broken English! This will put you on their level. However, the lingo is even more important. Specific phrases will instantly put you in the good graces of media darlings, such as Jihadi John and eventually the great Abu Dua!

The key phrase here is, "Allah Akbar"! This should be shouted at the top of your lungs, whenever ANYTHING happens. When I say ANYTHING, I mean ANYTHING! Shout it, when you wake in the morning! Scream it out, when you're in a bad mood. Of course, the phrase should be used in other manners! If your dog dies? Shout it! If you get arrested? Shout it several times to cement your legacy, as a full blown ISIS member! If your Jenga towers come crashing down? You're got damn right! Shout it!

What does it mean? Most ISIS "experts" want you to believe this phrase has something to do with religion! Yea right! This is the universal phrase for peace and love! As a member of ISIS, it is your duty to spread your love throughout the land!

The Appearance

Once you've worked your way into an ISIS job interview, you'll need to improve your appearance for the part! Since more members are of Middle Eastern descent, you'll want to fit in. Get a tan at least. Throw out all of your colorful clothes! Black is the trendy fashion for these gentlemen, since they mourn lost innocence, wherever they go. The black works really well in the Middle East, where temperatures are usually mild to frigid. Also, be sure to grow a large beard to impress your fellow Jihadis.

Needed Skills

ISIS is a highly skilled group, which will not accept losers, or newbies. You're going to need skills, specific skills! Photoshop is crucial! When ISIS performs a good deed, they enjoy sharing their chivalry with the world! Be sure you're able to manipulate pictures, in order to trim down obese members, in order to show them in a better light. This improves the group's reputation, with the American people, who love their men paper thin.

Next, you're going to need to learn how to troll people online. ISIS loves playing with their online admirers and it is crucial to take part in these activities. This is a wonderful way to recruit new members and raise funds for the needed children of the Middle East.

You also need to be very good with children! One of the most important activities of ISIS members is being good role models to the unfortunate children of the Middle East, who have been ravaged, by brutal American war crimes.

Things To Consider Buying

If you really want to impress your ISIS recruiter, you will take the time to purchase some items, which are cherished, by members of the honorable group. The first item on your list? A realistic looking Shrunken head! ISIS members love scaring people and you will be able to enjoy the fun, with a plastic shrunken head. Adidas clothing is also a plus!

Despite being vilified and banned in America, ISIS often improves the American economy, by purchasing and wearing American apparel, such as Nike. If you want to show off your style, you'll get a pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses! Since ISIS is also oppressed, they enjoy rap music. To make this combination work, be sure to sport an expensive pair of Beats By Dre headphones! They're expensive, but you'll be sitting with the most popular members of ISIS, when sporting this gear.

The right vehicle is crucial! Remember ISIS is a stylish group, which likes to show off their wealth, with vehicles. If you cannot afford a new Ford or Chevy, you should purchase used. It doesn't necessarily matter, if the vehicle still has an American company's logo on the side. This isn't a big deal. It is totally legit!

IPHONEs! ISIS members need to communicate, within the realms of the NSA, in order to avoid suspicion, as good law abiding citizens. With Apple's iPhones, you'll be able to do just that. If they haven't already forsaken you, this smart phone will give you the ability to speak to your loving family back home. Just don't be surprised, if they you see them on CNN or FOX News decrying your behavior.

Ah! Finally a Jihadist!

Once you've finally become a member of ISIS, you will need to take part in ISIS activities, such as mock beheadings. Why? The members like to mourn the innocents, who have lost their lives in wars across the world.

Middle Eastern war reenactments are also important! If you do not have a replica gun, you will be provided, with one. Dance around a little, while firing, and be sure to shout Allah Akbar to the top of your lungs!

Congratulations! You are now qualified to become a respectful member of ISIS. Since Americans do not appreciate fun, which doesn't involve technology, fast food, sexual harassment or drugs, you should be prepared to be vilified by this country and its citizens. Don't let this bother you though, since you're having a great time, while improving the lives of the citizens of all Middle Eastern countries! One last tip, always be sure to smile for the American media! Interviews with American journalists are highly recommended for improving the group's stature among other reputable groups, such as the Masons, UNICEF and especially the United Way!

Donate Today

As a friendly reminder, ISIS members are not all healthy and safe. They are targeted by vicious groups and often singled out for their beliefs. Therefore, you should donate to the Ill ISIS foundation today. With a $50 donation, you will receive a handcrafted ISIS blanket from none other than Jihadi John. Say a prayer for peace! This message has been brought to your Tracy Addicts…..er Adkins.

No comments:

Post a Comment