Saturday, March 7, 2015

How To Be a True MMA Fan

Throughout the years, mixed martial arts has grown significantly in popularity, with many newbies jumping on the bandwagon, in order to….well….jump on the bandwagon. Sure, the sport's best days are long gone, but this doesn't mean you can't throw on an outrageously overpriced Tapout shirt, tuck your nuts in a cup and pretend to be an MMA fan. In fact, there are a few ways to solidify your status as a true fan of the sport. Want to be a true MMA fan? Use the guide below.

Go Broke! Wear the Attire!

Obviously, you want to impress everyone with your MMA knowledge. In order to do this, you're going to need to wear some classic attire. Is it expensive? Yes. Was that UFC stitched by a 7 year old Filipino boy using his bare hands? Most certainly. Although it costed next to nothing to make, you'll need to pay almost $80 for a nice UFC hoodie. You'll do it, if you want to be a true fan of the sport. Of course, Pride never dies! And you can show off your love for the sport, with a $50 Pride Hoodie. Obviously, being a UFC fan will get you invited to more parties.

Tuck, Suck and Shave

Obviously, if you're a fan of MMA, you're either a homosexual, a skinhead, or a little of both. Although this is according to Bob Arum, it is wise to follow his lead. What does this mean exactly? Well, anytime a colorful fighter appears on screen, you're either going to need to play with yourself, or cheer loudly for their obliteration. This will make you a true fan of the sport.

Care, but Don't Care About the Fighters

If you're a true MMA fan, you will care about the fighters, their upcoming fights and you'll likely stalk them on Twitter and Facebook, but you shouldn't care too much. In fact, it is nearly impossible to be a true MMA fan and care about the fighters. You should forget that they're wh0ring themselves out for next to nothing for your entertainment. None of that matters, as long as you cheer them, when they win.

Hype Time! Put On Your Gullible Face!

If you're gullible enough to buy a UFC pay per view, you probably listen to Alex Jones and believe in those reptilians. Every time anyone scores a brutal knockout, Joe and Dana instantly label them great, brutal and the next big thing, despite landing a lucky blow. 90% of the time, these hype trains are derailed within a few months, but boy, they're outstanding, until that happens. After that? They're "Not worth it". It's alright though, we'll always have another overly hyped fighter to cheer for. Maybe Houston Alexander or Uriah Hall can tell us a thing or two about hype.

Ronda Rousey is sexy!!

If you're a true fan of MMA, you get excited, by staring at Ronda Rousey's pump abs and chubby arms. Is she talented? Sure, but enough is enough. Rousey isn't anything special. In fact, you could likely find sexier women at your local club. Oh, don't forget the fact that she would also be able to manhandle Wladimir Klitschko. Hey! Anything is possible in the UFC. The only time she looks halfway decent is when she is on the verge of collapse at the weigh-ins. After that, she blows up into a buffalo again.

You're Visually Impaired

As a true fan of MMA, it is a requirement that you watch the weigh-ins and cheer for your favorite fighters to make weight. Most of the time, this is a tougher battle than entering the ring. Many fail and several have nearly lost their lives attempting to make that weight. It doesn't necessarily matter that both men appear to be the same size during the weight ins, but when they get in the cage? Jesus! How did he grow so much over night? He looks like he was on the verge on blacking out at the weigh-ins.

F*#K YEAH! The Man Show was better with Joe!

Ha! Yeah. If you truly are an MMA fan, you are somehow able to chuckle at some of the incoherent statements made by Joe Rogan. Sure, he was fun on Fear Factor, but thats because people were eating bull nuts. His presence was simply ignorable. Rogan has done smoked himself into an invalid state and only sounds half-way smart, because he is standing next to Mike Goldberg. As a true fan of the sport, you too must pucker up and take it in the stinker, when Joe blows fighters during their fights. I would be afraid to see what Joe does to those boys backstage.

You'll Believe Anything

In order to be a true MMA fan, you have to be willing to believe anything, without crying over being lied to. Cause you know, those pay-per-view prices will never increase! Rousey is on a level with that rapist Tyson. Well, it is nice to see UFC in NY. Oh, have you heard? The next Ultimate Fighter is the craziest, best season yet! Can you believe it? Do you really believe that those cup shots hurt? Have you ever worn a cup? Think about it. The whole dang thing might be rigged.

Well, do you have the ability to dumb yourself down and be a real fan of MMA? If not, just find yourself a stream, laugh at Rogan's lip work and chug your cold beer, while Dana tries to hunt you down. If you're lucky, you won't find yourself in a court room for being a fan.

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