Monday, March 2, 2015

The Main Event: ISIS vs Twitter

ISIS Vs. Twitter
Twitter vs ISIS

ARRRRREEEE YOOOUUUUU REAAAADY? Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for the main event of the evening! Brought to you, by Mossad and the New World Order, this is the ultimate showdown! Be prepared to feast your eyes on a slaughter like no other. Allow us to introduce the judges of the fight, Tony Weeks, Mark Zuckerberg and John McCain.

Fighting out of the red corner, weighing a mere 150 gigabits, Twitter co-founder and IT extraordinaire, Jack Dorsey! The Former Innovator of the Year is now living in fear and he's had enough of it! Known famously for his hunched back, dull demeanor and silly lisp, this failed sailor has accumulated a record of 1-2, with Twitter being his biggest victory.

Out of the blue corner, we have the Beatle, the jailer, Jihadi John! He is quick, with his blade, smart with his words, but his reported bad breath will drop you cold. This figment of your imagination is prepared to bring down his enemies, with weapons directly from the United State military, but will ISIS be able to survive an account ban?

Round 1: Fight!

Jack Dorsey immediately unleashes his fury of blue checkmarks, which permanently disables all ISIS attacks! It appears to be game over for ISIS. Oh no! Here comes the proxies! ISIS seems to be getting support from the masterful hackers of the North Korean empire! 30,000 ISIS accounts have been established and Twitter's private emails have been leaked resulting in the forced firing of Noah Glass and Biz Stone for secretly supporting the SOPA bill! Round End!

Oh no Joe! Has evil finally overcome the holy Twitter? Let's get high on coke and commentate an NFL game!

Round 2: Fight!

Uh oh! Dorsey looks tipsy coming off of the stool. Here comes Abu, closing in for the kill! Oh! Wait a minute! Jack informs users of the Twitter usage policy, which shuts down threats against others. Jihadi John is on the ropes. Oh man, the entire world is laughing at him now, must feel like his old high school days, when he was known as shat breath! Ding! Round Over!

Oh Mike! This one is epic! Best ever! What a powerhouse Dorsey is! That enough hype Dana? Smack my arse and call me crazy, but ISIS is getting beheaded here!

Round 3: Fight!

What is this? Jihadi is removing his mask! Oh my lord! The smell! Here comes Emwazi! What is he talking about? Freedom of speech in America? Oh no! ISIS is turning the momentum, as the American people jump on the 1st Amendment bandwagon! And it's alllllll over! Jihadi John is finally the hero he knew he could be, thanks to the Constitution of the United States. What a twist ending!

The conclusion? Jihadi John receives a verified account, with over 3 million US followers. Jack Dorsey is forced to retire due to dropsy and John McCain continues trying to drum up a war against any country besides Israel.

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