Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Ted Cruz 2016: The President Hopefuls Promises to America

Ted Cruz President Promises


With the 2016 Presidential Election right around the corner, it is pertinent to get to know a little about the potential presidential candidates. Leading the way is the tea party Canadian, Ted Cruz. Many rednecks, racists and doomsday preppers are already hyping up an America with a Canadian-Mexican leader, despite this being exactly what many of them would initial be against. So what exactly is this presidential candidate bringing to the table? As with any election, there are promises, promises and a few more promises. What are Ted Cruz's promises? Find out below!



Goodbye Gays and Atheists - Sorry all you homo god haters out there, Ted Cruz doesn't want you in his America. Perhaps it is time to ship on out to Canada? I hear the Mexican border isn't too difficult to cross considering Granddad Cruz did it with a few pesos sticked in his tighty whities.

Cruz Will Stand with Israel - Cruz has been totally faithful to his Israeli buddies. In fact, he insists he'll stand with them regardless of the complication at hand. It has even been reported that he'll stand with them, if they're beheaded by ISIS. A close colleague revealed Cruz would stand with Israel, as the water rained down upon them from the showers of Auschwitz.

All Americans Will Have Guns - According to the presidential Canadian, all Americuns should and will have guns. In fact, as his first day as President, TEC-DC9s will be given away at your local Wal-Mart. Events are being planned around the country, with the first ten arrivals receiving C4 explosives.

Speech Will Be Protected - Thank God for this one, right? This one even gives Funny Dawg a reason to run out an vote for the old Green Eggs and Ham.

Goodbye IRS - Oh boy! The IRS is going to be toasted. At first glance, this seems like a killer idea, but remember Cruz's destruction of Obamacare? Yep, a total failure and this one is too. IRS vs 23% sales tax. You be the judge. Kind of like having dinner with Satan, or having dinner with Lindsey Graham. You get it!

Goodbye Obamacare, Hello Cruz Control - This one is fairly interesting. Is Cruz going to exert himself and stand for 16 hours again? That was a tremendous feat! Just don't forget that Wal-Mart workers, nurses and panhandlers do it a few times a week. I suppose this is an achievement for someone, who is used to running, dropping behind the bushes and running a little further though.

Mexicans Are Pretty Much Screwed - With Cruz at the helm, America will begin the construction of moats around the border of Mexico. The waters will be filled with piranhas. The outposts will be fitted with motion detected sentry guns. Sorry illegals, but America will be off limits. Those, who do miraculously make it through, will be equipped with self-exploding anklets. You get the point.

Congress Will Adorn White Hoods - As you can see by Cruz's admiration for Jesse Helms, America will transform into a white supremacist state. Welcome back those old Jim Crow Laws. Ted Cruz and his merry men in white sheets are bringing flaming crosses to your backyard.

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