Sunday, October 11, 2015

Trump In The Polls - New GOP Polls

After two months of thorough research and questioning residents all throughout America, FunnyDawg is happy to unveil their new Donald Trump presidential polls! The questionnaires were completed with the utmost professionalism, in order to maintain the poll's accuracy. Each American state was included in the poll to help ensure a more diverse base and enhanced results. Suffice to say, the results are very startling. Is Trump still leading the pack? Below, you will find a breakdown of the results.

Most Likely To Outlaw Islam

Amongst our participants, this question was hotly contested. Ben Carson quickly established himself as the GOP's Muslim Masher, when he insisted he would dissect thirty newborn babies, before he would allow a Muslim into the White House. However, Carson's slow demeanor and autistic slur swayed our participants and convinced them that Carson was simply too feeble for the job. The winner of the poll was none other than Mike Huckabee.

This is a major win for Huckabee, who hasn't led a single poll, since polling began. He barely bullied Texas Senator, Ted Cruz, out of the top spot. Much like the Kim Davis debacle, Huckabee smacked Cruz back to Canada and refused him a chance to shine.

Most Likely To Pardon Jerry Sandusky

FunnyDawg worked hard and contemplated extensively, before finalizing our questions. How this one ended up on the list, we'll never know, but it is quite a doozy. In order to better understand the top GOP candidates, it is vital to look at their backgrounds. Two of the better known candidates, Donald Trump and Jeb Bush, have been known to mingle with pedophiles in one way or another.

Initially, Donald Trump, who was circled in Jeffrey Epstein's little black book, soared to the top. Once the polling continued, the answers started to swing the the favor of Jeb Bush. Bush, his administration and his Attorney General are believed to be responsible for setting Jeffrey Epstein free with a 13-month house arrest. They also helped to craft the handy little "Non Prosecution Agreement", which allowed Epstein and his coconspirators to escape further prosecution.

Ultimately, it was Jeb Bush, who came out the winner.

Most Likely To Shell Out Death Penalties For Marijuana Possession 

During the most recent GOP debate, the candidates all guaranteed marijuana users would become inmates, aside from Rand Paul. This brought the need to add this question to FunnyDawg's presidential poll. The two frontrunners were immediate established. Mr. Camel Toe himself, Chris Christie, was the immediate frontrunner. He proclaimed that weed smokers better toke up while they can, because he will send them to old Sparky, when he becomes president.

Of course, Carly Fiorina stood tall, fabricated a heart wrenching story and gained the majority of the vote. Although the 35 year old struggled with pills, booze and bulimia, weed definitely did her in. If you're a weed smoker, you best toke it in now, because Fiorina will authorize overzealous police to shoot you on sight!

Most Likely To Spark A Race War

Are you ready for Halloween? Got your white sheet ready for the pretend klan rally? Well, there could be some good news coming your way! Several GOP candidates are wobbling towards an all out race war. Sound like fun? We'll tell you who to vote for. This one was a shutout. Our participants voted overwhelming for the billionaire, who took home the win with 96% of the vote. Donald has insulted Mexicans and African Americans are terrified. Just check out Black Twitter.

African Americans across the country are already arguing over the shaded areas of the cotton fields, while others are preparing to flee. Grab good ol' Dixie and head to the polls ya'll! We's got us a billionaire!

Most Likely To Start WW3

Grab your combat boots and rifle, because the GOP is leaning towards a World War 3. Aside from Rand Paul, the candidates are signing up your draft papers as we speak! Carson is ready for a little water boarding and Jihadi cock-and-ball torture, but who is the most likely GOP candidate to start World War 3? Remember that he, who speaks the quietest, is likely to make the loudest explosion.

With that in mind, it was none other than Lindsey Graham, who took home the win. The 60-year-old virgin might not have the most satisfying sex life, but he is ready to rape the Middle East with his Graham Grenades. Zionist Ted Cruz came in a close second.

The Revelation

With a lineup like this, who would want to vote Democrat or Independent? Each candidate is going to bring tons of chaos and plenty of excitement. If you liked the Americans bombing the Afghan hospital, you've got a friend in the GOP. If you're a Bible toting, gun carrying Evangelical, one of these guys is your man! Ain't it great to be an American?

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