Monday, October 5, 2015

Who Won The Ronda Rousey Fight? Not The Ronda Rousey Fight Purse

The female hero of the century, Ronda Rousey, is primed and ready for action. She is headed to the Marine Corps Ball and is bringing her cauliflower ears with her. The 28-year-old UFC champion recently agreed to attend the ball with Lance Cpl. Jarrod Haschert. The pair are scheduled for dancing, alcohol and intercourse on December the 11th. What a nice little Christmas gift, huh?

Unfortunately, it is doubtful that the US soldier will ever make it to the ball. With the bombs exploding in the Middle East and America pulling off horrendous war crimes, Lance will be long gone to the dustbowl, before that date arrives. Don't worry though, because we'll always have a very pleasant memory of Jarrod, when ISIS takes him captive and Rousey agrees to show off her ripped up snatch, in order to save his neck.

After extremely intense negotiations, Rousey will agree to give up her fight purse of $10.50 to ISIS, in order for her husband to be released. In a desperate bid to increase the bounty, Dana White agrees to grant Rousey the "Performance Of The Night" bonus, which will up her gross earnings to $12.55. A heartfelt plea brings forth more pledges and offers, as UFC redneck returd Matthew Hughes comes forward and agrees to throw in three chickens, two goats and a cow.

Finally, a deal is struck and Jihadi John agrees to the arrangement. "Those goats are lovely", he admitted. United States special forces are sent in to rescue Haschert. Oh my god, what is this? Binny Yahu orders Mossad strikes on the target. The rescue team is blown to bits and come crashing to the ground like Building 7. Haschert remarkably survives the attack, but is left fight off extreme PTSD. Ain't America great?

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